Monday, April 5, 2010

A Rant in D Minor

I have a small complaint about romance novels and erotica and more specifically about the sex scenes. I'm not sure what happens to people when writing about physical intimacy. I'm pretty sure that most of these authors have had sex. In fact, many of them are parents and so I know they have experience with the horizontal mambo. They must have a basic grasp of the mechanics. Been there, done that, got the kids to prove it.

So why do I find so many sex scenes in novels to be so...moist?

You know what I mean. Characters start getting cozy and various parts of their anatomy start leaking fluids. Not that there isn't a certain amount of that going on in real life, but the levels which are described in these novels bring to mind a good dose of penacillin. I read a novel a while back that describe a woman's girly parts as her "river of love."


Do not want.

Girly parts should not be a river and manly parts should not be a firehose. It's just wrong. Don't think this is an isolated incident by an over eager writer. Oh no. I see this over and over again. I've read about the amount of semen produced by the man. I've read about the scent and viscosity of the woman's "love juice." Mostly I hear about the continuous gush of fluids resulting in the flood at the happiest moment. Seriously, in one recent novel, bodily fluids alternately wept, seeped, flooded, gushed, spilled and cascaded. Oh, I so desperately wish I was making that up.


Ew, ew,ew,ew,ew,ew,ew!

These people don't have a wet spot, they have a waterbed. Seriously, what is with the wet?

I just don't get it.

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